She eyed me from across the room.

I didn’t quite know how to make of it. I took quick, pointed glances to see if she really was looking at me.

Was she angry with me? Did I do something? Was I even uglier today? I had no clue.

A voice from beside me interrupted me, taking me out of my stupor, “You okay, man?”

“Yea. Yea, I’m okay.”

I think she hates me.

I raised a hand to shield my face from the sun.

The wide, open field provided us no shade, and I could already feel beads of sweat forming, threatening to trickle down my brow. This was the fourth day without a cloud in sight, and we were keen not to let this opportunity go to waste.

“You guys haven’t seen nothing yet.” I said, picking the ball off the grass. I shifted it until it fit comfortably in my grasp.

Deep breath.

“Go. Long.”

As I lifted my arm and opened my hand, the ball escaped the hold of my fingers. I raised my leg to boot the ball, sending it straight into the sun.

The two of them ran like their lives depended on it, their heads pointed to the sky trying to estimate where the ball would make its landing.

I watched with bated breath.

“I caught it!”

Ball in hand, and she turned to face my direction.

She flashed a warm smile, and my heart almost skipped a beat.

Was she always this pretty?

“Selfie!” I put my arm out, phone in hand.

We all flashed a smile.

I chose the one where her eyes were the clearest.

I looked down at her head while she trailed in front of me.

“Why are you so short?” I asked. She stopped in place.

She turned to me, rolled her eyes, and continued walking forward. My laughter echoed around us.

“What is it that you want to capture?”

I turned to face her, “What do you mean?”

She leaned into the railing and let the chilly wind carry her breath away.

“The moving seas? The light among the clouds? Or the way the sun embraces the moon?”

I laughed.

“Something better.”

“Are you okay?” He put a reassuring hand on my back, and I tensed up.

“Mmm?” I responded, still not fully present, “I’m good.”

Fasting had always given me extra time to think. And think, I did.

I liked her, but I didn’t want to. I was loud, she was quiet. I was dumb, she was smart. While I cooperated, she competed. And she had potential… I didn’t.

“I’m just… a little hungry.” I sighed.

“I’ve always dreamed of this.” He said, looking in awe.

“A sight to behold.” I responded.

“I seriously have no clue how we’re all going to finish this.” She chimed in.

Six boxes of mac and cheese in a pot.

She was right— we didn’t.

“Thanks for coming all this way with me.” she said, shuffling in her window seat. She turned to look out the windows of the train.

“I had fun.” I responded, looking out with her. Wisps of cloud covered an orange sky as the sun began to make way for the moon.

“Tired?”

She stayed looking at the sunset.

“Yea.”

I woke up to my phone ringing.

Still groggy, I answered the call with a sigh.

“She found out.”

My heart stopped.

I avoided her for the entire week. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t. I can’t. I won’t. Isolated and scared, I wandered the halls alone.

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

‘Can we talk?’ the message said.

I was shaking.

“Can we still be friends?” I asked.

“Of course!” she smiled, and I hoped it was true.

whydidntshetalktomewhydidntshetalktome

doesshehatemedoesshehatemedoesshehateme

istilllikeyouthoughistilllikeyouthoughistilllikeyouthough

It’s okay. I’m okay. You can’t force love, and if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

I still couldn’t face her.

She hates me.

Fine then— I’ll hate her.

You ignore me, I ignore you.

And they’re my friends too.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t care if I get hurt.

I still love you. I concede. You can have them.

You don’t need to be scared of me anymore.

I surrendered, why are you still hurting me?

I watched through the window as she laughed with our friends.

I hadn’t talked to them in weeks.

It’s okay— I’m sure they’ll seek me out soon. And I’m happy that she’s finally with them again, I guess she really was scared of me.

I’ll take a nap. It’ll clear my mind.

He tried to talk to me after class. He said that he was sorry, that he shouldn’t have planned that party when he knew I was spending my birthday alone and we hadn’t had talked in a while.

I shook him off.

I would sit alone in the library, or wherever I could find peace. I didn’t have many people anymore.

“Should I cry?” I pondered.

“Villains dont cry.”

I wish I had.

I’m all alone, but I deserve it. They said that I had hurt her. That she feared me. That I said bad things to her.

Did I? I can’t remember. But I hurt her, so all the other things must’ve been true.

I don’t deserve to live.

I worked up the courage to meet her one more time, to apologize.

“I don’t want to end our final year on a bad note.” I had told her.

“I don’t want to either.”

After our meeting, she texted me.

“I don’t have time to be your friend. And trying will just hurt both our happinesses.”

I responded.

“That’s okay. Let no one else take away your happiness. Goodbye.”

I hadn’t been happy in a long time. What was there to take away?

I saw her from afar one day, by coincidence. Her eyes still sparkled, and her smile was still warm.

“I’m happy that your happy.” I whispered, to no one in particular.

I barely prevented myself from breaking into sobs. I had lost, undoubtedly. There was nothing and no one for me.

And I haven’t recovered since.