This is a letter I wrote to a friend. I never ended up sending it.

I had thought a lot about whether I should send this to you. It had been an antagonizing, gut wrenching, and soul crushing year, but I’m not sure how much you care to know now.

My ultimate goal was to compile everything we had ever done. Every photo, every video, every recording, every memory— I had this grand, all-encompassing plan, with every single facet and segment meticulously planned. I had planned it as a labour of love pumped up to the nth degree, and I had begun to lay out the foundation of this project starting in Grade 10.

It was sort of going to be like that one scrapbook we made for her birthday back in Grade 10. To be honest, I was super jealous of it. I wanted one so badly haha.

You knew me though. Through and through, I was a serial procrastinator. If I wasn’t napping, I was procrastinating. If I wasn’t procrastinating, then I was napping. If I wasn’t doing either, then you’d be looking at the wrong person.

I never told you guys this, but my deepest, darkest secret was my desire to be able to grow old with you guys. My sincerest wish was to stand next to you guys as we grew up and matured and grew old and laughed and cried and fought and made up and hung out and then as we all got into relationships and got married and had children and loved and hated and suffered and succeeded and above all—

I wanted to be there with you guys for every step of our lives. You guys meant the world to me. Words genuinely cannot express the deep love, admiration, and adoration I felt for every single one of you. I loved you more than I loved myself. I’d be around you guys and be in such a state of bliss, such a state of happiness, that once upon a time, I would decide you guys were my life.

I know you guys never loved me as much as I loved you. I knew it and I still poured everything I had— my love, being, and soul— for all of you even if I knew it would’ve never been reciprocated the way that I wanted it to be. And I was okay with it— you were such an influential and impactful group of people that I honestly didn’t care whether you felt the same as I did. If I could be with you guys, then I was happy.

Everything was sunshine and rainbows honestly haha. I loved going to his house and seeing Mochi. I loved playing League and talking about school and life and all of the mundane shit in the world. I loved making fun of ((her)) height (sorry, again. You never liked it). I loved our picnics and our get-togethers. I loved working with you guys on asinine projects and cooking and marketing and all the dumb classes we had. I loved the music videos and the games we played. And I loved all the little jokes and all the memories that we made and the vlogs and selfies we took. I had always dreamed about having these experiences when I was younger but younger me never actually expected to experience them one day.

But your biggest impact on me was that, for the first time in my life, you made me feel normal. You made me feel human. You brought me out of my shell and showed me how beautiful life could be and I am so so thankful for all of you and our time together because I would’ve been an entirely different person had I not met you guys. Or dead.

Being with you guys was one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me. You made me feel wanted and gave me a place to belong, somewhere where I didn’t feel ostracized or different or out of place. It was heaven.

I never ever got to thank you guys. I always wanted to, but younger me possessed neither the maturity nor the foresight to do so.

I had planned to break things off Spring Break. I talked to the counsellor about it. I talked to you about it too, him. Looking back at it now, I should’ve did it then. Maybe then I could’ve prevented this embarrassing pouring of heart that I’m doing right now. And a lot of other things.

It took a lot of courage and soul seeking for that version of me to arrive to that conclusion. You guys meant so much to me, were such a pillar of strength and support in my life that it really did kill me to admit it. I wanted it to work and I cried and begged and pleaded and prayed but I knew deep down inside that it was never going to work.

The last, true photos I took with you guys were those cruise photos. I knew that our relationship had been strained but honestly I couldn’t have anticipated this. It always hurt me to see those photos just sit there in my camera roll. None of us really knew it would end like this. I certainly didn’t.

I know you were never obligated to feel the same way I did. Nor should you be.

But those months had been the worst, most destructive months of my life. For that entire year I lived my days drowning in such intense feelings of anxiety and guilt and shame and embarrassment that I could barely live. I was broken and shattered and scared and regretful and the only thing I could do is cry my heart out in the confines of my bed.

And as I retreated into myself further and further, I saw everything as they truly were.

Did I really mean that little to you guys that you would toss me aside like this? Honestly, even after all this, it comes to haunt me at night.

Was I just there? Did I really bring that little to the table that it didn’t matter whether I was there or not there? Is my being and place in that “family” not because you guys had genuinely wanted to be friends with me but because I was there at the right place and the right time– coincidence, and nothing else? Was I just someone that was your friend, but not your friend? Maybe. I don’t know.

Maybe you guys were genuinely embarrassed by me. Or ashamed of me. Or both. Y’know, like, “Wow. This guy has no shame. How is he still here and acting as if nothing had happened? Does he not understand the damage and pain that he has caused? Does he not notice the effect he has on her? Does he not notice the effect he has on us? Can he not read the room?”

But I could. And I did. And oh God I’m sorry that I was greedy and selfish and continued to push it and push it but I swear I just wanted to be with you all for even just a second.

I never knew know the full story, and now I never will. I never knew your guys’ side, or what you felt. I never knew if you suffered or hadn’t suffered. I never knew what your thoughts and feelings were. I don’t know anything. You must’ve had your reasons.

But just as you had yours, I had mine. Surely you didn’t think I avoided you guys because I wanted to leave? It was the opposite. I wanted to stay but it hurt to see how it had become. If you were in my place, would you stay?

Why did you never ask if I was okay?

It used to be us against the world. But now, it’s you five against me.

I had so much trust and faith in the strength of our friendship and our history that I believed that if I waited enough and put in enough effort, everything would have been magically fixed and that the six of us would be best buddies again!

When you would hang out without me, I would think, “Oh! It’s just a one-off thing. I’ll have my chance soon.” I never asked to hang out because, well, in the position I’m in, I have no right to be asking to do anything.

And when I’d ask how your weekends were or how your break was and I’d see you hesitate before you’d answer, “I didn’t do much,” even if I knew it wasn’t true and all of you were together it’d push me to the brink of tears but I’d grit my teeth, take a breath, and act like I never knew because… well, I loved you guys so much. And I didn’t mind hurting now if it meant we could be friends later.

I’ve had so much time to think, to see, to hear, to feel, and to be hurt. I’ve been through practically all five stages of grief. But the true extent of the situation hit me especially hard at Winter Formal.

I sat there and thought and thought and thought until my brain turned to mush. And as I sat there, the truth revealed itself in the corners of the banquet room.

We aren’t friends, and we hadn’t been for a long time.

I’m not a part of this group anymore.

It hurts. It hurts so much and I find myself so hurt and betrayed because I would never ever even think to do to others what you did to me… and I thought it was the same for you.

But I realized then and there that I deserved to be happy too. I’m human too, aren’t I?

But a lot of this stuff is past tense, and I’ve made peace and stopped grieving.

Good luck. Thank you for everything.

Goodbye